Couples Worksheet
The A.R.E. Questionnaire
Rate each statement 0–5, where 0 = not at all true and 5 = completely true. Complete both parts — one about your partner, one about yourself.
Complete together or separately · Print-friendly
Sue Johnson — Emotionally Focused Therapy
Why A.R.E. matters
Underneath almost every fight — the cold silences, the argument that never really gets resolved, the distance that crept in so slowly you almost didn't notice — there are really just three questions. Are you there for me? Will you come when I need you? Do I matter to you?
That's it. That's what we're actually asking. Not about the dishes, not about who said what. We're asking whether we're loved in a way we can actually feel.
When the answer is a quiet, steady yes — not perfect, but reliable — something in us relaxes. We become braver, warmer, more ourselves. We fight less and forgive faster. We remember why we chose this person.
When the answer feels like maybe, or I don't know anymore, we start to brace. We push harder or pull back. We protect ourselves in ways that accidentally push away the very thing we need.
This questionnaire won't fix anything on its own. But it will help you see what's actually happening between you — and sometimes, seeing it clearly together is the moment things begin to shift. Take your time with the reflection questions. They're where the real work lives.
Accessibility
How accessible is your partner to you?
When you reach for me in small ways — a look, a word, a touch — and I don't quite catch it, what does that feel like for you in that moment?
Is there a way you try to let me know you need me that I tend to miss? What would it mean to you if I noticed it more?
What gets in the way of telling me directly when you need to feel close — and what would make it easier?
When have you felt most reachable to me? What was different about those times?
Responsiveness
How responsive is your partner to you?
Think of a moment recently when you were hurting and turned toward me. What were you hoping I would do — and what did I actually do?
When I don't respond the way you need, what story do you tell yourself about why? What does it make you think about how I feel about you?
What would the "exactly right" response from me look like when you're anxious or upset — even if you've never quite been able to ask for it?
Is there a way I respond to you that makes things worse, even when I'm trying to help? What's happening for you in those moments?
Engagement
How emotionally engaged are you with each other?
When do you feel most truly seen by me — like I understand not just what happened, but what it meant to you?
Is there a part of your inner world — a fear, a hope, something you're carrying — that you're not sure I really know about?
What does it feel like when I'm emotionally present with you, versus when I'm there but somewhere else in my head?
If you knew without any doubt that I was genuinely invested in your inner life, what would you feel free to share that you haven't yet?
Accessibility
How accessible are you to your partner?
What gets in the way of being fully present when your partner reaches for you — even when part of you wants to be there?
Are there times you sense your partner needs you but don't move toward them? What's happening inside you in those moments?
What would it take to feel safe enough to be more available — less defended, less braced — with your partner?
When are you most naturally open and easy to reach? What makes those conditions possible?
Responsiveness
How responsive are you to your partner?
Think of a time your partner was upset and you didn't quite show up the way they needed. What was going on for you that made it hard?
When your partner is struggling, what do you feel first — and does that feeling move you toward them or pull you back?
Is there something your partner needs from you in difficult moments that you haven't been sure how to give? What holds you back?
What would help you stay present with your partner's pain without needing to fix it or step away from it?
Engagement
Are you emotionally engaged with your partner?
How much do you feel you really know your partner's inner world right now — their current fears, longings, and quiet joys?
Is there a way you've been going through the motions of closeness without feeling fully present? What do you think is behind that?
What would it mean to you to be genuinely curious about your partner again — to feel like you haven't already figured them out?
What would your partner need to see from you to feel truly cherished — not just cared for, but valued for who they are?