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They have interviewed and studied more than 200 couples over 20 years--it is that a lasting marriage results from a couple's ability to resolve the conflicts that are inevitable in any relationship. Their research shows that to make a relationship last, couples must become better friends, learn to manage conflict, and create ways to support each other’s hopes for the future.
They discovered that one of the first things to go in a marriage is politeness. As laughter and validation disappear, criticism and pain well up. Your attempts to get communication back on track seem useless, and partners become lost in hostile and negative thoughts and feelings. |
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What is "dysfunctional" when a relationship is ailing?
The following are eight predictors of divorce and/or continued couple misery that are characteristic of relationships when the partners are attempting to resolve conflict, and hence these factors can be considered "dysfunctional."
The following are eight predictors of divorce and/or continued couple misery that are characteristic of relationships when the partners are attempting to resolve conflict, and hence these factors can be considered "dysfunctional."
- More negativity than positivity. During conflict discussions, the ratio of positive to negative interactions in relationships headed for divorce is 0.8:1, not 5:1, as it is in stable and happy couples. The presence of positive affect itself during conflict resolution (and in everyday interaction) is, in fact, crucial. However, for a relationship to be healthy, both positivity and negativity are necessary. This balance theory implies the unusual point of view that negativity is important in healthy relationships. Negativity plays many prosocial functions – for example, culling out interaction patterns that don't work, renewing courtship over time, etc. Thus, couple therapy should not declare war on negativity. On the contrary, we submit the idea that a relationship without negative affect would be lifeless and boring.
- Escalation of negative affect: The "Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse" - Criticism, Defensiveness, Contempt, and Stonewalling and gender differences in these (female criticism and male stonewalling are most prevalent) are dysfunctional in relationship conflict. These are part of a pattern of escalation of negativity, which indicates dysfunctional interaction. In the 1970s many behavioral marital therapists thought that what was dysfunctional in a marriage was the reciprocation of negativity in kind, particularly anger. We discovered in sequential analyses of marital interaction, however, that the reciprocation of anger was as characteristic of stable, happy couples as it was of unstable or unhappy couples. It was the escalation of negativity that predicted divorce. Subsequent research discovered that this pattern, in turn, was related to a pattern we called "turning away" from bids for emotional connection.
- Emotional disengagement and withdrawal. Another negative, dysfunctional pattern that emerged from our longitudinal research was both the absence of escalated negative affect during conflict, and also the absence of any positive affect during conflict. There was a marked lack of affection, shared humor, question-asking, active interest, excitement, joy, support, and empathy. Subsequent research discovered that this particular pattern was related to a negative style in everyday interaction that we called "turning against" bids for emotional connection.
- The failure of repair attempts. Healthy couples don't avoid fights, even ones that are painful and alienating. Nor do they always avoid hurting one another's feelings, or avoid times when they do not respond to one another's needs for emotional connection. But, in contrast to unhealthy couples, they process these inevitable fights and moments of miscommunication or hurt feelings in order to repair the relationship. Unhealthy couples do not make repairs. Regrettable incidents in interaction are inevitable, just par for the course, but they need to be repaired.
- Negative sentiment override (NSO). In our theory, we utilize the concepts of "positive and negative sentiment override." In negative sentiment override there is a discrepancy between insider and outsider perceptions of the interaction. An actually neutral or positive communication sent by one partner is interpreted by the other partner as negative. Hence, negative sentiments or feelings override positive interaction. In negative sentiment override, negative perception is "the subtext" that accompanies interactions. In positive sentiment override, negative messages are not seen as particularly negative, or at least they are not taken personally. Negative sentiment override is related to the development of negative attributions about one another and the relationship.
Robinson & Price (1980) placed observers in couples' homes to observe only positive behavior; they also trained partners to observe their own interactions with the same observational system. When couples were happy, the strangers and the partners were veridical with one another, that is, their observations matched each other. But when couples were unhappy, the partners only observed 50% of their partner's positive interactions (as measured by the outside observers). Fritz Heider's "fundamental attribution error" is related to these findings. He described a tendency in people to minimize their own errors and attribute them to temporary, fleeting circumstances, but to maximize the errors of others and attribute them to lasting, negative personality traits or character flaws. In our own work negative attributions made by one partner about the other partner were also related to negatively recasting the history of the relationship. - Maintaining vigilance and physiological arousal. Physiological arousal often accompanies feelings of being overwhelmed by the way one's partner raises issues, but it can be triggered in other ways, too. It leads people to want to flee or aggress. Men are more likely than women to rehearse distress-maintaining thoughts that may prolong physiological arousal and vigilance. Flooding accompanies this arousal, and often leads to what we call The Distance and Isolation Cascade, or the movement through time towards relationship dissolution.
- Chronic diffuse physiological arousal. General activation of many physiological systems in the body creates the "general alarm response" that spells danger. Physiological arousal may cause increased heart rate, increased myocardial contractility, increased vasoconstriction, increased sympathetic and decreased parasympathetic activation, increased rennin-angiotensin activity, reduced oxygen concentration in the blood, decreased blood supply to non-essential functions like the gut and kidney, catecholamine and cortisol secretion, increased amygdala activation, decreased frontal lobe activation, immunosuppression, and so on. When physiological arousal accompanies relationship conflict, it may lead to:
- A decrease in one's ability to take in information (reduced hearing, reduced peripheral vision, problems with shifting attention away from a defensive posture)
- An increase in defensiveness and what we call the "summarizing yourself syndrome"
- A reduction in the ability to be creative in problem-solving
- A reduction in the ability to listen and empathize
- The failure of men to accept influence from their women. This may show up as either:
- Male emotional disengagement (this eventually becomes mutual emotional disengagement)
- Male escalation (belligerence, contempt, defensiveness) in response to the partner's low intensity negative emotion (complaining).
If you are in the middle of a troubled marriage, it can seem that your predicament is nearly impossible to sort out. But in fact unhappy marriages do resemble each other in one overriding way: they followed the same, specific, downward spiral before coming to a sad end. WARNING SIGNS: THE FOUR HORSEMEN
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10-12 years due to the loss of intimacy and connection
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- Truth 4: Most problematic issues (69% in fact) don’t get solved, they get managed. Indeed most issues which couples get “gridlocked” around have more to do with character differences and show up as Perpetual or permanent problems. For example, you value organization and neatness – every thing has its place and much time is invested in organizing. Your partner might care less about organization – what’s much more important is sharing time with friends. The skills which work most effectively have much more to do with managing and not solving the problem.
Statistics
- Physiological flooding occurs when the heart beat is 100 bpm or greater. People cannot think clearly and are likely to do things and says things they later regret. Instead of continuing a discussion, take a break and self-soothe for a minimum of 20 minutes.
- 85% of stonewallers are men. Men react with more signs of physiological stress than women during disagreements, and therefore, men are more likely to withdraw.
- Stable marriages have 5 positives to every one negative interaction during conflicts.
- Happy marriages have 20 positives to every 1 negative interaction during normal everyday conversations.
- Unstable marriages have .8 positives to every 1 negative interaction.
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How To Get The Most From Couples Therapy. Ellyn Bader, Ph.D. and Peter Pearson, Ph.D. Adapted from: http://www.couplesinstitute.com/professional/artman/publish/printer_26.shtml
This document is designed to help you prepare for our sessions so you can get the most benefit from our work together. It is highly recommended that you create your own individual objectives for being in therapy, so that I can help you reach them. I have many, many tools to help you become a more effective partner - they work best when you are clear about how you aspire to be, not how you’d like your partner to change.
My goal is to help each of you improve your responses to each other without violating your core values or deeply held principles.
Goals and Objectives of Couples TherapyThe major aim of therapy is increasing your knowledge about yourself, your partner and the patterns of interaction between you. Therapy becomes effective as you apply this new knowledge to break ineffective patterns and develop better ones.
***Please bring your answers to these three questions to our first session:•What is the kind of life you want to build together?
•What is the kind of partner you aspire to be in order to build the kind of life and relationship you want to create?
•What are your individual blocks to becoming the kind of partner you aspire to be?
My task will be to assist you to develop the skills and knowledge necessary to do the above tasks.
Tradeoffs and Tough ChoicesTo create the relationship you really desire, there will be some difficult tradeoffs and tough choices for each person.
The first tradeoff will be time. It simply takes time to create a relationship that flourishes: time to be together, time to be with family, time to play, coordinate, nurture, relax, hang out and plan. This time will encroach on some other valuable areas – your personal or professional time.
The second compromise is comfort. First this means emotional comfort, going out on a limb to try new ways of being, thinking or doing things; listening and being curious instead of butting in; speaking up instead of becoming resentfully compliant or withdrawing. Emotional risk-taking will be required. Few people are comfortable about being confronted with how they don’t live their values or with the consequences of their actions.
The other comfort that will be challenged is energy comfort. It simply takes effort to sustain improvement over time, staying conscious of making a difference over time, remembering to be more respectful, more giving, more appreciative etc. It takes effort to remember and act.
The third tough choice is even more difficult - improving your reaction to problems. For example, if one person is hypersensitive to criticism and his/her partner is hypersensitive to feeling ignored, it will take effort to improve their sensitivity instead of hoping the partner will stop ignoring or criticizing.
The blunt reality is that, in an interdependent relationship, effort is required on the part of each person to make a sustained improvement. It is like pairs figure skating – one person cannot do most of the work and still create an exceptional team.
2
How to Maximize the Value from your Couples Therapy SessionsA common yet unproductive pattern in couples therapy is making the focus be whatever problem happens to be on your mind at the moment. This is a reactive (and mostly ineffective) approach to working things through.
The second unproductive pattern is showing up with each person saying, “I don’t know what to talk about, do you?” This is a hit or miss process.
The third common unproductive pattern is discussing whatever fight you are in at the moment or whatever fight you had since the last meeting. Discussing these fights/arguments without a larger context of what you wish to learn from the experience is often unproductive.
A powerful approach to your couples therapy sessions is for each person to do the following before each session:
This reflection takes some effort. Yet few people would call an important meeting and then say, “Well, I don’t have anything to bring up, does anyone else have anything on their agenda?” Your preparation will pay high dividends.
The Importance of Communication
The three most important qualities for effective communication are respect, openness and persistence.
Communication is the number one presenting problem in couples counselling. Effective communication means you need to pay attention to:
•Managing your unruly reactions, such as anger that is too intense or refusal to talk.
•How you are communicating – whining, blaming, being vague, etc.
•What you want from your partner during the discussion.
•Clarifying your beliefs and attitudes about the problem. What the problem symbolizes to you.
•The outcome you want from the discussion.
•Listening to your partner’s major concerns.
•Practicing how you can help your partner become more responsive to you.
Improving communication emerges from a process of reflection and inquiry. It requires both people to speak from the heart about what really matters to each.
We are all responsible for how we express ourselves, no matter how others treat us. Most of the ineffective things we do in relationships fall into just a few categories:
•Blame or attempt to dominate
•Disengage/withdraw
•Resentful compliance
•Whine
•Denial or confusion.
These are the normal emotional reactions to feeling a threat or high stress. Improving your relationship means better management of these reactions. If you strive to always feel emotionally safe in your
3
relationship and get it, you will pay the price by becoming dull. If neither of you ever rocks the boat, you will end up with a dull relationship.
Important Concepts for Couples Therapy and Relationships
Attitude is Key
When it comes to improving your relationship, your attitude toward change is more important that what action to take.
Your partner is quite limited in his/her ability to respond to you. You are quite limited in your ability to respond to your partner. Accepting that is a huge step into maturity.
Focus on Changing Yourself Rather than Your Partner
Couples therapy works best if you have more goals for yourself than for your partner. I am at my best when I help you reach objectives you set for yourself. It’s human nature to try and change one’s partner instead of adjusting our expectations. This aspect of human nature is what keeps therapists in business.
You can’t change your partner. Your partner can’t change you. You can influence each other, but that doesn’t mean you can change each other. Becoming a more effective partner is the most efficient way to change a relationship. The more you believe your partner should be different, the less initiative you will take to change the patterns between you.
Zen Aspects of Couples Therapy - (Some Contradictions).
All significant growth comes from disagreements, dissatisfaction with the current status, or striving to make things better. Paradoxically, accepting that conflict produces growth and learning to manage inevitable disagreements is the key to more harmonious relationships.
It’s not what you say. It’s what they hear.
If you want your partner to change, what you can do to make it easier? When a problem shows up, it’s natural to think “What should I do about it?” A much more productive question is, “How do I aspire to be in this situation?”
Some Final Thoughts
Trust is the foundational building block of a flourishing relationship. You create trust by doing what you say you will do.
Businesses and relationships fail for the same three reasons. A failure to:
•Learn from the past
•Adapt to changing conditions
•Predict probable future problems and take action
Effective change requires insight plus action. Action without insight is thoughtless. Insight without action is passivity.
How To Get The Most From Couples Therapy. Ellyn Bader, Ph.D. and Peter Pearson, Ph.D. Adapted from: http://www.couplesinstitute.com/professional/artman/publish/printer_26.shtml
This document is designed to help you prepare for our sessions so you can get the most benefit from our work together. It is highly recommended that you create your own individual objectives for being in therapy, so that I can help you reach them. I have many, many tools to help you become a more effective partner - they work best when you are clear about how you aspire to be, not how you’d like your partner to change.
My goal is to help each of you improve your responses to each other without violating your core values or deeply held principles.
Goals and Objectives of Couples TherapyThe major aim of therapy is increasing your knowledge about yourself, your partner and the patterns of interaction between you. Therapy becomes effective as you apply this new knowledge to break ineffective patterns and develop better ones.
***Please bring your answers to these three questions to our first session:•What is the kind of life you want to build together?
•What is the kind of partner you aspire to be in order to build the kind of life and relationship you want to create?
•What are your individual blocks to becoming the kind of partner you aspire to be?
My task will be to assist you to develop the skills and knowledge necessary to do the above tasks.
Tradeoffs and Tough ChoicesTo create the relationship you really desire, there will be some difficult tradeoffs and tough choices for each person.
The first tradeoff will be time. It simply takes time to create a relationship that flourishes: time to be together, time to be with family, time to play, coordinate, nurture, relax, hang out and plan. This time will encroach on some other valuable areas – your personal or professional time.
The second compromise is comfort. First this means emotional comfort, going out on a limb to try new ways of being, thinking or doing things; listening and being curious instead of butting in; speaking up instead of becoming resentfully compliant or withdrawing. Emotional risk-taking will be required. Few people are comfortable about being confronted with how they don’t live their values or with the consequences of their actions.
The other comfort that will be challenged is energy comfort. It simply takes effort to sustain improvement over time, staying conscious of making a difference over time, remembering to be more respectful, more giving, more appreciative etc. It takes effort to remember and act.
The third tough choice is even more difficult - improving your reaction to problems. For example, if one person is hypersensitive to criticism and his/her partner is hypersensitive to feeling ignored, it will take effort to improve their sensitivity instead of hoping the partner will stop ignoring or criticizing.
The blunt reality is that, in an interdependent relationship, effort is required on the part of each person to make a sustained improvement. It is like pairs figure skating – one person cannot do most of the work and still create an exceptional team.
2
How to Maximize the Value from your Couples Therapy SessionsA common yet unproductive pattern in couples therapy is making the focus be whatever problem happens to be on your mind at the moment. This is a reactive (and mostly ineffective) approach to working things through.
The second unproductive pattern is showing up with each person saying, “I don’t know what to talk about, do you?” This is a hit or miss process.
The third common unproductive pattern is discussing whatever fight you are in at the moment or whatever fight you had since the last meeting. Discussing these fights/arguments without a larger context of what you wish to learn from the experience is often unproductive.
A powerful approach to your couples therapy sessions is for each person to do the following before each session:
- Reflect on your larger objectives for being in therapy, not just the current issues.
- Think about your next step that supports or relates to your larger objectives for the kind of relationship you wish to create, or the partner you aspire to become.
This reflection takes some effort. Yet few people would call an important meeting and then say, “Well, I don’t have anything to bring up, does anyone else have anything on their agenda?” Your preparation will pay high dividends.
The Importance of Communication
The three most important qualities for effective communication are respect, openness and persistence.
Communication is the number one presenting problem in couples counselling. Effective communication means you need to pay attention to:
•Managing your unruly reactions, such as anger that is too intense or refusal to talk.
•How you are communicating – whining, blaming, being vague, etc.
•What you want from your partner during the discussion.
•Clarifying your beliefs and attitudes about the problem. What the problem symbolizes to you.
•The outcome you want from the discussion.
•Listening to your partner’s major concerns.
•Practicing how you can help your partner become more responsive to you.
Improving communication emerges from a process of reflection and inquiry. It requires both people to speak from the heart about what really matters to each.
We are all responsible for how we express ourselves, no matter how others treat us. Most of the ineffective things we do in relationships fall into just a few categories:
•Blame or attempt to dominate
•Disengage/withdraw
•Resentful compliance
•Whine
•Denial or confusion.
These are the normal emotional reactions to feeling a threat or high stress. Improving your relationship means better management of these reactions. If you strive to always feel emotionally safe in your
3
relationship and get it, you will pay the price by becoming dull. If neither of you ever rocks the boat, you will end up with a dull relationship.
Important Concepts for Couples Therapy and Relationships
Attitude is Key
When it comes to improving your relationship, your attitude toward change is more important that what action to take.
Your partner is quite limited in his/her ability to respond to you. You are quite limited in your ability to respond to your partner. Accepting that is a huge step into maturity.
Focus on Changing Yourself Rather than Your Partner
Couples therapy works best if you have more goals for yourself than for your partner. I am at my best when I help you reach objectives you set for yourself. It’s human nature to try and change one’s partner instead of adjusting our expectations. This aspect of human nature is what keeps therapists in business.
You can’t change your partner. Your partner can’t change you. You can influence each other, but that doesn’t mean you can change each other. Becoming a more effective partner is the most efficient way to change a relationship. The more you believe your partner should be different, the less initiative you will take to change the patterns between you.
Zen Aspects of Couples Therapy - (Some Contradictions).
All significant growth comes from disagreements, dissatisfaction with the current status, or striving to make things better. Paradoxically, accepting that conflict produces growth and learning to manage inevitable disagreements is the key to more harmonious relationships.
It’s not what you say. It’s what they hear.
If you want your partner to change, what you can do to make it easier? When a problem shows up, it’s natural to think “What should I do about it?” A much more productive question is, “How do I aspire to be in this situation?”
Some Final Thoughts
Trust is the foundational building block of a flourishing relationship. You create trust by doing what you say you will do.
Businesses and relationships fail for the same three reasons. A failure to:
•Learn from the past
•Adapt to changing conditions
•Predict probable future problems and take action
Effective change requires insight plus action. Action without insight is thoughtless. Insight without action is passivity.
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