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Marriage & Family Clinic · Relationship Resources
Most of us carry a version of our relationship in our head — this is how you see the real one.
Two free ways to get clarity, whichever one fits where you are right now. Neither hands you a verdict — they hand you a starting point, in keeping with our commitment to giving you something concrete to work on and bring in to your first appointment.
Where would you like to start?
Relationship Checkups
Two short, self-guided questionnaires that show you and your partner exactly how connected you are right now — and where a little more attention would go the furthest.
Relationship Resources
Practical, bite-sized tools you can actually use between sessions — for handling conflict, staying close, growing personally, and understanding how you and your partner are simply wired differently.
Not sure which one to start with? That's alright — either door leads to the same place. Take a checkup first if you want to see where you stand; start with the resources if you already know what you're working on.
More ways we help couples & individuals
It's Not You Against Me. It's Us Against the Cycle.
Why the same fight keeps happening — and the one shift that starts to change it.
Most couples who come to see us aren't fighting about what they think they're fighting about. Underneath the dishes, the money, or the phone, there's usually a pattern — a loop you both get pulled into, where each person's way of protecting themselves sets off the other's.
Neither of you created that loop on purpose. But both of you keep it going. The good news: once you can see it, you can start to step out of it.
Two Things Happen in Every Hard Conversation
There's what you each do — and how you say it. Both matter.
The Pattern
Every couple has a familiar dance. One of you pushes to be heard; the other pulls back to keep the peace. Or you both dig in and argue about who's right. Or you both go quiet and drift apart.
Each person's move sets off the other's, round and round. After a while, the pattern runs on its own — and it starts to feel like the problem is your partner, when really it's the loop you're both caught in.
The Tone
Even the right words land wrong when they come with an edge — a sigh, an eye roll, a "here we go again." Our partners hear the attitude before they hear the message.
The hardest part is the closed mind: when we've already decided who's wrong and are just waiting to prove it. Judgment shuts the door before the conversation can even start.
Hearing What's Underneath
Psychologist Marshall Rosenberg spent his life teaching people how to talk so the other person can actually hear them. He had a playful way of describing it: the judging, attacking voice most of us learned growing up he called the jackal. The open, curious voice that listens for what's underneath he called the giraffe — the land animal with the biggest heart.
His central idea is simple: underneath every criticism, defense, or silence is a feeling and a need that hasn't found words yet. When we learn to say those directly — and listen for them in each other — the cycle loses its grip.
He's warm, funny, and easy to watch. Start with the puppets, then take a few minutes with the rest:
Jackal talk vs. giraffe talkThe two ways of speaking, with puppets.
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Listening with giraffe earsHearing the need behind the criticism.
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Working through a conflictWhat to do when you're both upset.
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Being honest without attackingSaying the hard thing so it can be heard.
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Asking for what you needThe difference between a request and a demand.
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More from Marshall RosenbergAnother short clip from his workshop.
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Expressing gratitudeHow to say thank you so it really lands.
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Owning Your Part
You can't stop the cycle by getting your partner to change first. What you can do is notice your own move in the dance:
- What usually sets me off?
- What do I do next — push, defend, go cold, shut down?
- What am I really feeling in that moment?
- What do I actually need from my partner?
"When [this happens], I feel [feeling], and I tend to [my move]. What I really need is [need]."
Saying this out loud does something powerful: it takes the focus off who's to blame and puts it on the pattern you share. That's when you start to become a team again.
Seeing the cycle is the first step.
Stepping out of it together is what we work on in session — slowly, safely, and at a pace that works for both of you.